Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
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Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
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It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
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