I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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