oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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