Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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