Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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