Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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