i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
