Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
