one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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