The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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