Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
