I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
