I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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