You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize