dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
