My nipple is on Facebook.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
