You're a womanizer and a bitch.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
