Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
