How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
