I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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