I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
