I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
