Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
