Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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