How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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