Sorry, I don't speak sober.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I cut my penus on the lid.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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