I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Please, let me fuck your mom
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
