i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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