i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
