i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
