grandma shit on top of the toilet
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
