I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
