1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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