Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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