smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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