I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
