guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I would fuck him just for his dog
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