Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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