im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
