Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
