I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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