But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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