i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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