proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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