did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
