You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
where are my eyebrows?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
