Need sex. Gaining weight.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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