woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
