as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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