I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
