We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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