Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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