I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
that's an acceptable place to lick
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
