I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
